Friday, June 22, 2007

13 Great Bernard Manning jokes

A question to the PC brigade. What's so terrible about these? OK, so one or two are a little rude. (Tip - Blognor Regis and Shooting Parrots)

Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’
She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’
He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and f*** off.’

I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in
Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.

I also like the one about the boatload of Viagra that went down in Loch Ness — and the
monster came up.

I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it
when you join in.

So David, what about the stick after the Argentinian game?
Oh, she was fine with it.

I feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that’s
the best they’re going to feel all day.

I once got sacked for laughing. I was driving a hearse.

Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12

A Scouser went to a prostitute. She said, ‘Do you want a b*** job?’ He said, ‘Will it affect me
dole money?’

What’s the difference between an Iraqi woman and a pilchard? One’s ugly, greasy, with
bulging eyes. The other’s a fish.

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last
time, I haven’t got your football.’

I went to Anfield the other day to watch a match. A scouse lad said, ‘Can I mind your car for
you mister?’
I said, ‘No! And for your information, there’s a Rottweiler in the back.’ The lad said: ‘Put out
fires, can he?’


Anonymous said...

I know I shouldn't; but I laugh anyway.

Anonymous said...

Bernard was a true star. He didn't survive 40 years on the club curcuit filling venue after venue just by telling racist jokes. No-one and nothing was beyond him, black, white, fat, thin, dead, alive, anything, it is a disgrace that someone who gave so much joy to so many people should be totally ignored by the middleclass hypocritical media. Just a thought. Where are the Lenny Henry's etc? isn't the alternative scene still doing well. Not.
A plane crashed in Afganistan the other day, 200 afgans dead. I was broken hearted, there were 6 empty seats!
Gone but not forgotten.

Jeremy Jacobs said...

Perhaps I live in a parallel universe. Which one is racsist "anonymous"?

Kevin D said...

Love the viagra gag!

Anonymous said...

I think he was very funny - at the end of the day 99% of jokes are making fun of someone, race/nationality/disability/sex and so on. People need to lighten up a bit and stop being so politically correct!

Jeremy Jacobs said...

exactly. Lighten up

Anonymous said...

Paul Cally
Just a passing thought! do all these interfereing,tree hugging holier than thou self richeous herberts actually think they have made the world a better place,I know Bernard put his foot in it a few times but He also put his money where his mouth was and he was a funny bloke as well, sadly missed